SA: Superheroes Anonymous
by Pitry
Summary: The Doctor goes to a support group. a very cracky crossover with Batman, Spider-Man and Superman .


"Hello, I'm the Doctor."

"Hello, Doctor. Although, we don't use our alter-egos here. We're all just plain, regular people, with a problem. I'm just Clark, he's just Peter, and the millionaire over there is just Bruce. So, who are you when you're not the Doctor?"

"No no, that's my name, I'm always the Doctor."

"What, no alter ego?"

"No."

"Wow. But… wow. So when you wake up, right, you're the Doctor. And when you go to sleep you're the Doctor, and when your evil badguy tries to kill you and take over the world you're still the Doctor?"

"You got it."

"Wow, just wow. I sometimes walk around the street and forget who I am at the moment. My parents call me Clark, my real parents called me Kal-El, when I save people I'm Superman, it's all very confusing! Had to explain more than once why Clark Kent goes round to robbers and tries to disarm them."

"Yeah, me too. I once went to school in my spider suit. That took some explaining."

"Yeah, and I tried donating three million dollars to some charity dressed as Batman. They all really liked me afterwards… sorry."

"Anyway, don't even get me started about how others react. Like Lois. When I'm Clark, she doesn't even know I exist. When I'm Superman though… oh boy. And hey, you don't even have "man" in your name!"

"No, why would I choose a name with "man" in it?"

"You chose your own name?"

"You mean, you didn't just have random people in the street naming you?"

"Or was bitten by a giant spider?"

"Or have a very strong and unexplained attraction to bats?... sorry."

"Hold on — doesn't that mean your girlfriend always knows who you are?"

"Well, yeah. Sort of. She's not my girlfriend."

"Can't find the right woman, huh. Happens to me all the time. Like, there's this beautiful, gorgeous, intelligent woman, right, and she's crazy about me, and after a wonderful night of passion in Paris I realise all she wants from me is my money and… sorry."

"No, it's not like that. There was this one… and we did travel together for a while and — "

"And she knew who you are? And she loved you?"

"Well, yeah…"

"Wow. Just wow. And in a minute you'll tell us you save people dressed like that, probably."

"Well, yeah — I mean, sometimes I change to the blue suit, but generally…"

"Unbelievable. I have to go around saving people dressed as a spider."

"I walk around in a bat suit. A bat suit! Sometimes you can even see my nipples… sorry."

"Anyway — none of you have it as bad as I do, I save people wearing my underwear!"

"Hmmm. I kind of like what I'm wearing… but that's not the point! The point is I keep on losing my companions!"

"Wow, you have more than one girl liking you?"

"Without paying for a week in the Bahamas?... sorry."

"And they don't think you're a geek?"

"No, hold on, maybe he does have a point. I mean, I love Lois, I really do, but I always have to go around places saving her, she can never take care of herself. It's really a burden to have so many girls to look after."

"Oh, no, all my companions are very strong, sometimes they end up saving me from trouble! More often than not, to be honest…"

"You mean the girls you get to meet are actually competent? Intelligent? Able?"

"And you don't have to pay — sorry."

"Anyway, and after losing one competent intelligent girl you meet another?"

"Yeah… actually that's not that bad, is it."

"No."

"No."

"No!"

"But I always have to save someone. From the monsters and aliens and — "

"Monsters? Aliens? Did you use plural here?"

"You mean you have to fight a lot of things?"

"Not just the same badguy over and over again?"

"Well, there's the Daleks, and the Cybermen, and the Master, of course, but most of the time there are a lot of other evil, nasty, evil creatures — did I mention evil?"

"You lucky son of a bitch! I have to fight Lex Luthor. Every time. Whenever there's a bad guy — I mean, real bad guy, not some stupid punks trying to rob a post office with a plastic gun — it's always Lex Luthor. It's so boring. Especially the bits in between — whenever he thinks of a new masterplan there are weeks I have nothing to do. I find myself getting cats out of trees and helping old ladies cross the road! It's terrible!"

"Yeah, me too. It's either the Joker or Catwoman. When they feel inspired, it's the both of them. I find myself spending weeks with nothing to do but go to cocktail parties and meet beautiful and rich women and… sorry."

"And for me it's those goblins. Always the goblins. They are so obvious, they never change their plans, you always know what's going to happen next! And then they sit down and tell you!"

"'Why don't we have a nice little chat so I could tell you all my plans and you'd find a way to stop me.'"

"Exactly!"

"No no, the Master actually said that once to me, he wasn't going to — "

"Your bad guys are intelligent too?"

"They don't have the same plan over and over and over again?"

"Wow."

"Just wow."

"Remind us again, why did you come here?"

"To get support…"

"For what? I don't see anything wrong with your life!"

**-X-**

The Doctor stepped inside his Tardis with a big smile on his face.

"You know, these support groups actually do help!" he told his old spaceship, all of a sudden not minding so much the empty console room and the lonely depths of his lonely loneliness. "Come on. We have so many adventures to have — and I need to find something new to angst about. Oh, I'll show those guys, next time I go there, I'll be so much more miserable than they are!"


End file.
